Are You A Parent to Your Partner? Here’s 5 “Helpful” Acts That Make You a Parent Rather Than a Partner
It’s a natural instinct for many people in a relationship to want to do something nice for their partner, especially if you or your partner’s love language is showing love through acts of service. As harmless as it may seem to step in and do your partner’s laundry, regularly cook them dinner or defend them when they feel defenseless, these may be signs that you’re taking on the role of parent, rather than a partner in the relationship. Read on to discover common, helpful gestures that may point to signs of you or your partner behaving like a parent in your relationship.
Fixing Their Problems
Helping out your partner when they’re struggling is a normal part of any loving relationship. However, Jenna Birch, CEO of Plum dating app and author of The Love Gap, explains that you cross the line of helpful to babying when being helpful becomes a permanent condition of the relationship. For example, maybe your partner has been working overtime a lot lately, and they don’t have a chance to leave the office for lunch or dinner. Ordering takeout and having it delivered to their job can be thoughtful and helpful! If your partner is expecting you to do this every time they’re working late or busy, this may be a sign that they view you as a parent rather than a partner.
Taking On Their Tasks
Whether it’s picking up their prescriptions, helping them with a report due at work, or scheduling their doctors appointments — if you’re doing tasks for your partner that they could have easily done themselves, you’re behaving more like a parent than a partner.
If your partner is busy and hasn’t had the time to make it to the bank, do their laundry, or schedule a doctors important, it’s okay to help them out. It’s another story to step in without being asked.
Constantly Checking In With Them During Work Hours
Missing your partner during the day and wanting to check in on them to see how they’re doing is totally natural. If you start to check in on your partner non-stop, that may be a sign that you’re a bit too controlling. Birch says that being helpful is a subtle act. When you’re constantly asking your partner what they need and how they’re doing, this can harm the balance in your relationship.
Talking To Someone For Them
In a relationship it’s inevitable that you’ll always have your partners back. If your partner is having problems with a friend, co-worker or even their parents, it’s not acceptable for you to step in and speak to the person they’re having issues with on their behalf. Birch advises not to step into a role that isn’t comfortable for you. You might want to defend your partner or help them out in a tough situation, but it’s best to stay out of a situation that doesn’t involve you. If your partner wants to get you involved or asks for your help – stay out of it. Your partner is an adult who should have the correct communication skills to address an issue with another person.
Doing All The Chores
Licensed marriage and family therapist, Heidi McBain, MA says that if you genuinely love cleaning and you’ve established that role early on in the relationship, that’s okay. However, McBain warns that you’re creating a precedent that may lead to resentment and frustration down the road. She explains, “If you like a clean house and you’re constantly cleaning up after your partner even before they can get to these chores themselves, then you are setting these roles in your relationship from the start.” Later on in the relationship, when you’d like things to be more equal, it may be difficult to set up a new dynamic.
