How to Set Boundaries in Your Relationship According to Experts
Falling in love and discovering new things about your partner is one of the most exciting parts of a relationship. Creating and setting boundaries is one of the most exciting and important things that couples should discuss. Boundaries are necessary in order to learn more about one another and to foster any type of loving, nurturing relationship.
It’s never too soon or too late to start creating boundaries with your partner, and if you’re ready to set those boundaries with your partner, we’ve got a few tips from relationship experts to help you along the way.
Set specific boundaries
Setting boundaries isn’t one size fits all. Boundaries vary from person to person, circumstance to circumstance. It’s important to let your romantic partner know what’s important to you.
“Setting boundaries in a relationship is a healthy practice, but it can be difficult to know when and how to set them,” explains clinical psychologist and author Dr. Suzana Flores, “Whether your boundary needs are emotional (‘I need time apart’), physical (‘I don’t want to have sex’), or digital (‘I’m not ready to post our relationship status’), setting boundaries may be uncomfortable. However, it’s necessary.”
Psychotherapist and author of How to be Happy Partners: Working it out Together, Dr. Tina B Tessina (aka “Dr. Romance) agrees that it’s important to set boundaries for different situations. “Privacy is your personal power to determine your own internal boundaries, and how much of yourself you are willing to share with others,” Tessina explains. “People grow up in different family environments: some are very close, with few boundaries, while others are more distant. Most couples need to discuss boundaries: How much closeness do you want in the bathroom, for example. Another is when you want to be sexual and when you don’t. Also, there can be boundaries about touching, listening in on phone calls, reading each other’s texts or emails, or what is OK when friends and family are involved.”
As you can see, there’s no limit to the types of boundaries that you need to make clear to your partner for a happy and healthy relationship.
Create boundaries together
Communication and compromise is key in any loving relationship. Matchmaking and dating expert Stef Safran recommends, “Discuss things that matter and decide on solutions together…If you feel that your mother is overbearing and might say things that bother you and your significant other, tell them and let them know how you want to deal with it as a couple.”
Flores adds, “Relationships are all about compromise. You and your partner will not agree on everything, and compromising is often necessary; however, you must also respect your own needs. Do not minimize your beliefs and values for your partner.”
Speak up if you feel violated
Talking about boundaries is an excellent first step, however talking won’t solve anything unless you put these conversations into action. Thomas Edwards, founder of The Professional Wingman says “If there are specific things you need to happen in your relationship, it’s important to communicate them to your partner early and explain why it’s important. As you enforce them, you have to call out the ‘breach’ of boundaries — including the consequences — so your partner knows it’s happening, or else they won’t be aware. And lastly, it’s up to you to maintain consistency. No one will truly care about your boundaries more than you, so the moment you create ‘slack’ and allow people to cross them, you immediately begin to lose your power within those boundaries, creating the possibility of that boundary (and others) to be breached.”
Dr. Flores also acknowledges how important it is to assert your boundaries. She states, “When you set boundaries without enforcing them, it sends a message to your partner that you were not serious about your feelings. Do not waiver from boundaries, and reinforce them the second you believe your partner has overstepped them.”
Set boundaries in the moment, rather than later
It’s always best to speak to your partner the moment an issue arises – especially when it comes to boundaries. It may seem difficult to approach an uncomfortable topic in the moment, however if you make a habit out of bringing up concerns with your partner you can tackle them before they become full blown problems. Safran suggests, “…be sure to talk in a non-defensive way. It doesn’t mean it’s bad to ask for what you want, but expect that your significant other will also ask for things that they want.”
Kali Rogers of Blush Online Life Coaching says, “Sitting on residual feelings can end up under the category of ‘bottled up emotions,’ and you probably have a big fight ahead of you if that happens…So instead, if possible, state your ‘I’ statement as soon as possible. If you can set a boundary in the moment — ‘Please do not talk about my mother right now’ — this quick consequence will create a stronger connection between the moment and the boundary. Whereas if you wait, you could develop lots of other emotions between then and later, resulting in a large, messy fight that gets away from the original boundary. Or, you might ‘let it go’ and then have it build up over time later. Obviously, this can lead to an escalated reaction whenever the boundary is crossed in the future, and then you risk losing a conversation about the boundary — and, instead, it will be all about your silly reaction. Do not deprive yourself of setting boundaries or it will lead to bad behavior by all.”
Agree to discuss issues as soon as they come up
This is directly linked to addressing issues in the moment – especially since some of the most important boundaries are based on honesty and communication. Dating coach, relationship expert, author and keynote speaker, James Preece suggests, “If you have a problem or something on your mind, then promise each other you’ll discuss it without fear of an argument. For instance, you might agree to give each other a little space to do your own thing from time-to-time without getting jealous. It’s also a good idea to specify that you’ll work hard to keep your word and improve the relationship. When you have set these boundaries, you’ll both know when something has gone wrong, and then cross them. That way, it will be easier to fix the issues, as you’ve been clear from the start about what these are.”
Practice Makes Perfect
Establishing boundaries can be a fantastic way to connect with your partner. It can also be overwhelming, intimidating and difficult. Give you and your significant other time to adjust and get used to these new boundaries. Rogers points out, “The boundaries that need to be set the most will be the ones that have to be set repeatedly…Have patience and understanding when setting a boundary — your partner might violate it, not because they don’t respect or love you, but because it’s habit. It will take everyone a bit to get used to the new boundary, and it’s OK if there are mess-ups along the way. Just do not be fooled into thinking you will only have to set the boundary once. It will need to happen multiple times before it is a new ‘rule’ in the relationship.”
It takes time to get used to new boundaries, however you should know when it’s time to move on. Flores says, “If you’ve repeatedly tried to establish and set boundaries which are important to you, and your partner continuously disrespects them, it may be time to move on.”
