If you and your partner are fighting all the time, losing interest in shared hobbies, barely speaking to each other and constantly comparing your relationship to other couples’, it may be time to face that you’re in a relationship rut. Check out these tell-tale signs to evaluate whether it’s time to breathe new life into your relationship – or if it’s time to go your separate ways.
You compare your relationship to others
Social media (especially Instagram) can create an illusion that your couple friends are much happier than you and your partner. Comparison is the thief of joy and constantly comparing your relationship to seemingly perfect images on an app can negatively impact your relationship.
“People don’t talk about fights or fatigue or normal day-to-day things on social media,” explains psychologist Margaret Rutherford.”Instead of concentrating on how many ‘likes’ couples are getting, try getting out of your own routine. Put down your smartphones and sign up for a cooking class together, for instance. Creativity is vital to staying out of that rut.”
You’d rather text than talk
Texting is useful for keeping in touch with your significant other. However, if your main mode of communication is via text, it’s time to devise other, more meaningful ways to speak to each other. If your conversations consist of basic day-to-day questions and check in’s (“Did you walk the dog?” “Can you pick up some lettuce?” “You forgot your wallet.”) this may be a sign that you’re avoiding deeper, significant issues with your partner.
“If you find yourself texting each other when you are at home together instead of talking to each other, this may be a sign that you relationship with your smartphone is encroaching on your partnership,” says psychologist Alicia H. Clark. Clark encourages couples to “Take some time when you are together to put your phones away and talk…If you aren’t sure where to start, have new conversation starters up your sleeve to help you.”
You’re often ill
Do you often find yourself feeling sick or depressed around your significant other? Do you have unexplained headaches, queasiness, aches or pains? When you think about spending time with your partner do you start to feel nauseous and uneasy? If you’re bottling up stress and anxiety aimed at your partner, this is your body’s way of forcing you to pay attention. Divorce coach, Tamara Harris Robinson suggests, “If your stomach is constantly uneasy when you’re with your spouse, you need to pay attention to that.”
If you feel safe and comfortable to do so, express your pent up frustration and feelings to your partner. Being open and honest will let your partner know what your experiencing and feeling. This will allow them make changes in the relationship that can get you back to a healthy and happy space.
You don’t look forward to spending time together
In the beginning, every day with your partner is thrilling. Everyday activities like a trip to the supermarket or cooking dinner together are exciting. These days, “couple time” isn’t something you enjoy or look forward to. What’s worse, is the activities you used to enjoy together have been tossed aside.
It may seem that you and your partner are on the verge of breaking up, but therapist Elizabeth Earnshaw recommends taking charge of scheduling time together. She says, “It takes a conscious effort to recognize the things you’ve stopped doing or do new things…Couples that partake in rituals with each other and have plans for the future are often doing so because they feel connected and invested.”
Find small ways to reconnect with your partner. Plan a movie night with their favorite takeout, or find a new hobby that you can discover together. Small actions such as this show your partner that you’re still invested in this relationship.
Your sex life and affection towards each other is dwindling
If your sex life has hit a dead end, you’re not alone. “Sexless marriage” is the number 1 marriage complaint searched on Google. The term is searched three and a half times more than “unhappy marriage” and it’s eight times more common than “loveless marriage.” If the sex has hit an all time low or become non-existant (and it’s not the result of a physical defect) consider trying something new in the bedroom.
Psychologist Clark says, “Routines can find their way into the bedroom, which can promote comfort and closeness, but can rob a relationship of the novelty it needs from time to time,” she said. “Thinking about new ways to physically connect can help introduce novelty that can strengthen your bond.”
You’re confiding in other people
When something good happens in your day is your partner the first person you want to share that news with? Do you feel that your partner is the number one person that will listen to you when you’ve had a long and stressful day? If you’re turning to someone else other than your partner when you’re happy or sad, these are glaring clues that something is amiss in the relationship.
Therapist Danielle Kepler explains, “If you think to yourself, ‘I can’t wait to tell X this’ and X is not your partner, you may be dealing with a relationship lull.”
Examine the reasons why you no longer feel comfortable opening up to your partner. Are there trust issues in the relationship? Does your partner lack empathy? Is your partner too self-absorbed to pay attention to your needs?
Kepler says, “If it’s a lack of uninterrupted time together, you may have to schedule some catch-up time…And if they don’t pay attention when you want to talk, be sure to bring it up in a way that’s noncritical. Say: ‘Hey, I feel let down when I try to discuss something important that happened in my day and you shrug me off.’”
You think the grass is greener on the other side
Your single friends make single life seem so glamorous and fun. You wish you could join in on their dating adventures with wild tales of your own. You find yourself fantasizing about what it would be like to meet someone new or what it would be like to rekindle a romance with someone from your past.
If these thoughts are passing and infrequent, there may be nothing wrong in your relationship. If they’re persistent, it may be time to look into why you’re so wrapped up in these thoughts.
Rutherford explains, “We can easily idealize old boyfriends or girlfriends and can do the same thing with a work colleague or a neighbor whom we find attractive,” Rutherford said. “But remembering why you love someone, reminding yourself of what they’re ‘putting up with’ in the relationship and finding ways to be actively grateful to them for loving you is very important. Gratitude goes a long way in a long-term relationship.”
