If you’ve ever wanted to pick the brains of relationship experts, you’re in luck. When it comes to advice on how to make a relationship work, it’d be nice to have the wisdom of a therapist at our immediate disposal. While we can’t necessarily have an expert on call to help us work with issues in our relationship, we can certainly keep these 8 pieces of advice on hand when we need a little bit of support and encouragement.
Make compassion a priority
“Couples will inevitably have disagreements and sometimes even inadvertently cause each other pain. When this happens, it is important to keep in mind that it is not the rupture, but the repair that matters. If couples learn to approach one another with empathy and compassion, it can help to overcome a temporary loss of connectedness and potentially strengthen the relationship. The process of engaging your partner and making the effort to truly repair the relationship helps build bridges that will strengthen the relationship in the long run.” —Faith Szalay, Psy.D.
“Be Curious”
“My best advice is to ‘Be curious.’ This helps in all areas of the relationship. When there’s conflict, it helps to ask what your partner means. If you don’t like a word he or she uses, ask how they would define it. In this way, you can come to some understandings rather than mismatching what you are trying to communicate. If we give our partners the benefit of the doubt and ask questions rather than assume they are trying to do you harm, we are happier and have a more peaceful connection.” — Janet Zinn, LCSW
“Love Requires Courage”
“Hack your courage! Relationships require vulnerability and sometimes it can be quite scary to open up to our partner. Fear of being misunderstood, rejected, and shamed is the primary reason we hold back. When we hold back, we are essentially saying that we don’t trust that we will be loved if we show something that we believe does not put us in a good light. That is completely understandable. We all get afraid. That’s precisely why we need to be courageous. The courage to be open helps to create the very vulnerability that builds connection between two people. Without courage, we are isolated, alone, living in fear, and disconnected because we did not risk. Love requires risk. Love requires courage.” — Dr. Gary Brown, licensed psychotherapist
There needs to be a mix of closeness and intimacy
“The words ‘closeness’ and ‘intimacy’ are often used interchangeably, but they are quite different. Closeness is about comfort. It’s low-risk, low anxiety, predictable, familiar. Closeness is necessary in all relationships, however, closeness without intimacy is simply a relationship that has an unspoken contract to just die together. Intimacy is about risk-taking, newness, unpredictability, spontaneity, and high anxiety. Intimacy means you have a relationship with your partner; closeness means you have a relationship with your thoughts of your partner. All intimacy and no closeness is impossible to sustain, but there needs to be a mix of the two.” —Tom Murray, Ph.D., marriage and family therapist
Use Your Anger to Make Your Relationship Stronger
“The number one thing I tell clients is to get mileage out of your anger and use it to make positive changes instead of allowing it to create difficulties in your relationship or your life. When you get angry, ask yourself what’s wrong, what needs to be changed, and what steps you can take to make those changes. Don’t just stay angry at the other person or the situation because that’s not constructive—it will only keep you stuck.” —Jane Greer, Ph.D., author of What About Me? Stop Selfishness From Ruining Your Relationship
Don’t Go with the Flow
“Because of our tech-bombarded, over-scheduled, warp-speed times, it’s probably never been more challenging to be married than it is today. I know from my own marriage and from those of my clients that if we just go with the flow, it will eventually lead us away from each other. Couples who are consistently satisfied with their relationship learn how to create their own flow, and the first step involves protecting their time together so that they can nurture their emotional and sexual connection. We tell our clients you can either keep doing what comes naturally and continue to get swept away, or you can learn the relationship skill set that will lead you back into healthy, balanced connection.” —Bill Bercaw, Psy.D., co-author of From the Living Room to the Bedroom: The Modern Couples Guide to Sexual Abundance and Lasting Intimacy
Maintain Your Outlets
“Your partner will change over time and they will never be able to fulfill all your needs at all times. Expecting our partner to be the sole source of our happiness places an immense amount of pressure on the individual and the relationship. Imagine you are dating. Think of all the interesting, intriguing things you did that made you you. Keep up that yoga class on Saturdays that brings you joy, spend time with your friends, take pride in your career. The second we give up the need for our partner to make us happy, a positive and mutually beneficial relationship, filled with much happiness, is possible.” — Whitney Hawkins, licensed psychotherapist
“Be Authentic”
“Never go against who you truly are at your core, because the authentic you will ALWAYS come out at some point. This doesn’t mean you aren’t capable of change and growth, but when you start going against your core values, or the core values of your relationship, things have gone off the rails and it’s time to stop and figure out what’s going on. Glossing over it or continuing to go along with it never works out in the long run.” — Carolyn Wagner, MA, LPC
