Friendship is amazing! Our friends uplift us, encourage us, support us and genuinely add light to our lives. As incredible as friendships are, there may come a point when you find yourself exhibiting unhealthy behavior at the expense of your friendships. It’s hard to pause in our hectic, busy lives and recognize our bad behavior, but it’s an absolute must if you want to maintain a nurturing and positive relationship with your friends.
If you’ve been noticing a shift between you and your tribe (flaking on plans, screaming matches, irritability, name calling, blame games and complete breakdowns), maybe it’s time to check in with yourself and see if your behavior is toxic.
You Talk About Yourself More Than You Listen
Friendship is a two way street. Give and take is essential in any healthy relationship, but if you tend to find yourself talking about yourself more than you’re listening to your friends, you may unknowingly be exhibiting toxic behavior. It can be hard to self-assess your actions in the moment, but a quick way to gauge the amount of give and take between your friends is to look over texts, emails and other conversations between you and your friends. If you’re noticing that the conversations tend to revolve around you, it may be time to bring some reciprocation and balance to the friendship.
You Frequently Cancel Plans
When you frequently bail on plans with your friends it implies that you don’t value your friendships. It can be hard to juggle everything life throws at us and sometimes it’s easy to forget to respond to a text message or a phone call. While this may not seem all that important, it sends the message to your friends that they aren’t a priority in your life.
You Avoid Conflict…And Then Blow Up Later
Friendships are a dynamic part of our lives and it’s only natural that you and your friends will experience disagreements. When we’re vulnerable and close to someone, tension can arise. While fighting with our pals is the last thing we ever want to do, it’s important to resolve issues as they arise- otherwise they’ll fester into hostility and resentment. Conflict is a perfect opportunity for friends to get closer because it allows you to communicate in new ways. Therapist Miriam Kirmayer explains that when we avoid conflicts, “It’s not giving you the chance to fully connect with your friend and enjoy your relationship”. On the other hand, focusing on bickering, small slights and taking out our anger on our friends is not a great way to foster a healthy relationship either.
You’re Overly Dependent On Your Friends
When we need emotional support our friends are always there to lend an ear or a shoulder to lean on. They’re always there with useful advice that we can rely on, but when we start to indulge in co-rumination (the practice of obsessively and repeatedly discussing a problem without a plan to resolve the issue), or constantly seeking reassurance from our friends, we’re creating a negative undertone in our friendships.
You Always Have To Stay Connected
If you’re the type of friend who constantly needs to be in contact with their friends via text, email or the phone, you may be promoting toxic behavior. Don’t confuse the incessant need to stay connected to your friends as a sign of affection or how much you admire your friend. The truth is, you may be crossing boundaries and infringing on their time. Your friend may not know how to confront you about your conduct, and as a result they may become standoffish. If you’ve been feeling that your friend has pulled back recently, don’t increase communication- instead, you can truly show how much you care for your friend by giving them the space they need.
You’re Overly Critical
Do you frequently make sarcastic, critical comments about your friends’ outfits, who they’re dating, their new hair color, taste in movies or their restaurant picks? This is classic toxic behavior. We may not always agree with our friends choices, but we should always support our friends decisions- unless they’re making dangerous choices. If you notice that your friend is engaging in risky behavior, you should let them know out of pure concern- not out of judgment.
You See Your Friends As Competition
Our friends are our allies- not our competition. A good friendship is one that is loving and supportive. When you start to view your friends as competition-rather than confidantes or partners- you’re headed down a destructive road that can seriously damage your friendship. If you find yourself competing with your friends and comparing yourself to them in terms of career, physical fitness, lovers and other areas, you’re not only breeding toxic behavior- you’re also generating jealousy.
You’re Too Chummy with Their Significant Other
You may be a natural flirt and it may be a way for you to be open and friendly with your friend’s significant other or date, however, psychotherapist Karen R. Koenig LCSW, M.Ed. explains, “…your friend is probably wondering what your intentions are and not seeing your actions as being part and parcel of friendship.” Establish healthy boundaries while still enjoying their company. You can let your friend’s partner know that you genuinely like them by remembering details about them, smiling and giving their relationship space.
You Gossip About Your Friends Behind Their Backs
Relationship coach, Julie Ward states. “A [gossipy friend] is someone who has low self-esteem and focuses more on the negative in other people. They want to make themselves look better by talking about other people’s problems or issues.” The root of gossiping about our friends lies in insecurity and unresolved identity issues. When we talk about our friends behind their backs (rather than confront our issues head on), we fuel toxicity.
Can you relate to any of the points on this list? Whether you’re a toxic friend or you have a friend that exhibits traits from this list, you can always check in with yourself to make sure that you’re bringing the best to your friendships!
