6 Sneaky Ways You’re Body Shaming Your Friends Without Realizing it
When it comes to our friends, we have best intentions in mind, but there are times when little comments or seemingly harmless actions can really hurt our friends. A genuine compliment may not seem so sincere, and sharing new information may be more unwelcome and irritating than we realize. Sometimes when we’re being self-deprecating and making negative self-directed comments about our own appearances, our friends may start to take a closer look at themselves and feel inferior. Without even realizing it, discussing diet, weight, body types, and fitness can quickly become toxic and painful.
Read on to discover the ways that you may be unintentionally body shaming your friends, so that you can support and love your friends without accidentally making a harmful comment.
Greeting Someone and Commenting on Their Looks
If you haven’t seen a friend in a long time you may comment on how amazing they look or ask them if they’ve lost weight. These comments may seem completely innocent, however they could be triggering. Certified life coach Stephanie Rose Zoccatelli says “Even though it’s not your intention, you just sent the implicit message that the person’s body is the most important thing about them,”
She continues, “To add to that, you don’t know how they lost the weight. Did they do some extreme unsustainable diet? Are they grieving? Reasons behind it could be deeper than you realize.” Instead, it may be better to say, “It’s so good to see you!”
Backhanded Compliments
Sometimes, when you’ve been given a compliment, you may want to return the compliment and say something flattering in response. You may not be sure of what to say and accidentally give them a backhanded compliment. Psychologist and certified eating disorders specialist Stacey Rosenfeld, Ph.D. explains, “For instance, saying to someone in a bigger body, ‘You have such a pretty face,’ is a backhanded compliment at best.” Consider how a comment like this sounds to the person that you’re saying it to. You may mean no harm but it could potentially send out the wrong message.
Avoiding Activities Because Of Your Body Type
Declining a day at the beach with friends because you’re not “bikini ready is self-critical talk that may incite shame in others. Body love coach Brittany Baxter says, “It sends a message to those around us, who may exist in a similar body or a bigger body, that their bodies are not good enough as is.” She continues, “This is incredibly damaging because it implies that you, and no one else, for that matter, are allowed to live life and feel comfortable in the body you exist in.”
The “Good” Versus “Bad” Approach
Commenting on the wrong or right way to approach diet and exercise can trigger feelings of guilt and shame in other people. Baxter explains, “Pointing out how ‘good’ we’ve been this week can make those around us experience a sense of guilt and shame if they haven’t been as ‘good’ as us,” You may be unintentionally making someone feel that their choices are wrong or bad because they aren’t making the same choices as you are.
Harping on how “naughty” you’ve been is also harmful behavior — even though many women use self-deprecation as a way to bond and relate to one another. Baxter says, “This only serves to reinforce how bad, guilty and shameful that person is, and it reinforces that their worth is only dependent on their body and how ‘good’ they can be,
Commenting On What Others Are Eating
Psychotherapist Karen R. Koenig says, “Friends might think they’re helping by pointing out the calories or fat grams in the food someone is currently eating or in what the person ate earlier,” however this isn’t just rude, it’s also extremely shaming.
It’s also possible to shame someone without saying a word, says therapist Kimberly Hershenson. She says, “If you find yourself staring at a friend while they are eating you may make them feel like they are doing something wrong,”
Giving Unsolicited Diet and Exercise Advice
When you discover a diet or fitness routine that you’re super excited about, it’s natural to want to share your new experiences and knowledge with others. When you hand out diet or workout tips without being asked, Baxter says you’re unknowingly planting doubt in the mind of those around you.
Baxter says, “What you are saying — despite the good intent — is that what they are doing when it comes to their bodies is not good enough…You are also indirectly implying that the bodies of those around us are not good enough as is and that they can’t trust their own bodily instincts.”
